If you’re going to dare greatly, you’re going to get your ass kicked at some point. If you choose courage, you will absolutely know failure, disappointment, setback, and even heartbreak.
Brené Brown, author of “Dare to Lead”
The book is filled with so many quotable quotes, so expect to see a lot of my favourite, hard-hitting messages from her in this blog post. This, I dedicate, to anyone who’s ever felt defeated by life’s challenges but is still standing, ready to learn and grow from their experiences.
1. It’s not the critic who counts; the credit belongs to the person in the arena
Starting with my favourite quote from the book, which I remember from her famous Ted Talk, belongs to Theodore Roosevelt. The message is very powerful, I suggest you read it very carefully:
It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.
Theodore Roosevelt
Building on Theodore’s message, Brené then asserts:
If you’re not in the arena getting your ass kicked on occasion, I’m not interested in or open to your feedback.”
Brené Brown, author of “Dare to Lead”
I love the line she draws between destructive criticism from those outside the struggle and constructive feedback from those within it. Brené champions the idea that feedback is crucial, but it must come from fellow warriors in the arena, those who understand the trials of daring greatly. She labels unconstructive criticism from those not braving their own battles as “cheap seat feedback.”
This perspective doesn’t invalidate all feedback but emphasizes ignoring “cheap seat feedback” – the unconstructive criticism from those not braving their battles. Instead, she encourages seeking and valuing the insights of those engaged in similar struggles, highlighting that mastery in any field requires feedback from knowledgeable and experienced peers.
2. Navigate tough conversations by learning to rumble
I am not sure about you, but when I read “Rumble”, I hear in my head a boxing emcee announce before a match, “Ready to… RUUUUMBLE!!!!” I don’t usually read/hear this word, so I thought it was interesting that she uses this. Seriously, though, she defines this concept below:
A rumble is a discussion, conversation, or meeting defined by a commitment to lean into vulnerability, to stay curious and generous, to stick with the messy middle of problem identification and solving, to take a break and circle back when necessary, to be fearless in owning our parts, and as psychologist Harriet Lerner teaches, to listen with the same passion with which we want to be heard.
Brené Brown, author of “Dare to Lead”
Some rumble tools she shares when you find yourself in an awkward or tough conversation:
- Say more…
- I’m making up a story…
- The story I’m telling myself right now is…
- I’m curious about…
- What problem are we trying to solve
I’ve seen this play at work effectively from some managers. I have a colleague who uses “Say more…” often, and I can tell it is effective for him. I am a fan of asking, “What problem are we trying to solve“. The new one for me is, “The story I’m telling myself right now is…“. When I find myself in a tough situation, my brain can go into overdrive, which results in sleepless nights. I think this is a good line to use if you want to validate thoughts that are playing out in your mind with reality. I
I like these “rumble tools” because they allow you to engage fully and fearlessly, acknowledging our contributions to the issue and ensuring we listen as intently as we seek to be heard. They serve a dual purpose: they invite more in-depth insight and understanding and signal our willingness to engage without judgment. This approach transforms potential conflict into a cooperative search for clarity and resolution.
3. True belonging doesn’t mean fitting in; it means being your authentic self.
I debated the above title with another option: “Align your actions to your core values.” A profound aspect of this book emphasises identifying and living by our core values. Now you may go, “(Yawn…) Nothing new here.“
What I love about what she covers here is that understanding our core values isn’t just an exercise in self-awareness; it’s about identifying the behaviours we need to demonstrate to consistently reflect those values. At work, we have five core values, but to Brené’s point, not many companies actually identify the behaviours that support them, which deems the work of spreading those values at work futile.
Before I read this book, I had a career coach ask me to take a character strengths test, which identifies the values I lead with. The test said my top two were: Perspective and Honesty. This book made me reflect three things:
- Behaviours aligned to Perspective and Honesty
- Slippery behaviours that are against taking perspective and being honest
- Moments in my life when I fully lived into these values
True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness. True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.
Brené Brown, author of “Dare to Lead”
This quote underscores the importance of authenticity and self-trust, reminding us that our true strength lies in our ability to present our genuine selves to the world. Thank you, Brené!
If you are interested in a Character Strengths Test, I recommend the one from VIA Character 24. It identifies the top values you lead with, the ones that guide your decision-making. Pretty interesting results they give you.
4. Navigate shame through empathy and resilience.
I told you this would be a blog post filled with quotes, so I can’t say I didn’t warn ya! Let’s start with this one:
Wherever perfectionism is driving us, shame is riding shotgun.
Brené Brown, author of “Dare to Lead”
This struck a chord for obvious reasons. Many of us find ourselves striving for an unattainable ideal, only to be met with the crippling companion of shame when we fall short. Perfectionism, in its essence, sets us up for a never-ending cycle of self-criticism and disappointment, holding us back from embracing the beauty of our imperfect efforts and achievements. So what do we do?
If we don’t have the skills to get back up, we may not risk failing.
Brené Brown, author of “Dare to Lead”
The fear of not being perfect is not just about the immediate shame but also about the deeper fear of being seen as fundamentally flawed if we cannot recover from our failures. This fear can prevent us from taking risks or attempting anything where success is not guaranteed. We need to build resilience and the ability to bounce back with grace.
Remember, it’s not the critic that counts; the credit belongs to the person in the arena. She gets her ass gets kicked but gets back up because she knows that setbacks and failure are all part of daring greatly. Wow, I just did a full circle back to #1.
Before we end, I want to cover one more thought –what if you’re on the receiving end? You have a friend who is going through a tough time. Brown shares that the real antidote to shame is empathy. Here’s what she argues about empathy:
In the face of a difficult conversation, when we see that someone’s hurt or in pain, it’s our instinct as human beings to try to make things better. We want to fix, we want to give advice. But empathy isn’t about fixing, it’s the brave choice to be with someone in their darkness – not to race to turn on the light so we feel better.
Brené Brown, author of “Dare to Lead”
This was a revelation for someone who had Empathy as their last strength (amongst 34 strengths) in Clifton’s StrengthsFinder test! She highlights the power of simply being present with someone in their moments of vulnerability without the pressure to remedy their situation. I certainly know what not to do next time!
Conclusion
This book reminds us that the journey of daring greatly is not a solitary struggle but a shared experience of growth, learning, and profound connection. Embracing our vulnerabilities, aligning our actions with our core values, and facing our critics with a heart full of courage are not just acts of bravery; they are declarations of our commitment to living a life that truly matters.
So, to anyone feeling the weight of setbacks or the sting of failure, remember this: every step taken in the arena, no matter how small, is a step toward greatness. Let us not shy away from the challenges that life throws our way but meet them with an open heart and the willingness to learn, grow, and dare greatly. Because in the end, it is not the victory that defines us but the courage to continue that counts. Let’s dare greatly together. Thank you, Brené Brown!
Leave a Reply